I miss the parts of me that makes me whole... and I miss the parts of me that makes you smile with thoughts of me.
Thirty... such a dirty number. Something I cannot avoid I guess. As much as I try to fight it, deny it, ignore it... it hits me... like a ton of bricks on my chest. Growing up... feeling like I'm losing myself with every extra minute that passes through my fingers like sand. I miss who I was, the poet, the artist, the romantic, the hopeless. Now, I only see myself as the one who doesn't have time for himself. Make time for himself. No more. That's my birthday present to myself. To be more selfish. Forget those who do not appreciate me, and focus on me. So I close my eyes, and blow out the candles to the cake that never was.
I know this sounds like a depressing post, especially since I haven't been on xanga in months. It's not. It's about empowerment. About knowing what you want and taking the time to pursue it. What I want... is to be Jonny Angel once again... create visual pieces of art that represents who I am... for myself... and for you... because I miss knowing that when you need me, all you need to do is come here, read this... and smile. Because I forgot that sometimes it is all it takes. Sometimes, it's as simple as letting you know that I put these letters together, to form words... to send a message... just for you.
tell me to jump and i will never ask how high because with each jump i reach for the moon
tell me to follow and i will never ask how far because for each step i will walk beside you
tell me to love and i will never ask how much because for you i could only love unconditionally
but what if it isn't enough... wasn't enough for you. and maybe i am that selfish... maybe i am that needy... wanting you to love me the same... needing you to love me more.
*
i was shooting some photos at this concert last month... and i saw this old couple, walking around holding hands. i think that's the most adorable thing there is. being together for so long and still loving each other that much. being together for that long and still wanting to have each other's touch. and i realized... that i want the exact same thing. that i hope i could only be so lucky. to be that old and that happy and that in love.
i saw this old couple holding hands... walking around... and i realized. that it is something i must have for my future. that i cannot be with someone who cannot give me that. and i just want to be smitten by the person i love, for every waking moment. so that 40 years from now... i can inspire love in someone who sees me walking hand in hand with you.
i heard that when you fall deeply into love, it hits you like car... and so i walk blindly into traffic during rush hour only to be grazed by a bicycle.
*
is destiny meant for the young?
destiny is only a bridge to the one you are meant to be with, so i guess it's up to you to cross that bridge. so the older we get, do those bridges fade, die or break? and once those bridges are gone, do we build new ones? or is there no way to get back to the one you're meant for?
the older i get, the more i realize that the bridges of fate do fade, so we must cross them before we lose our way... before we lose our chance to cross them forever.
*
i am a one wing angel. one wing to catch you if you fall. one wing to keep you afloat. but i cannot fly alone. only hover in a place until you guide my way.
*
and i will leave this post with my top 10 a capella songs and renditions:
do you miss me when i'm gone... will you miss me if i leave.
those words run through my mind in excessive circles. i guess that's my question for today... is that if we make that much of an impact in another person's life, that their daily routines are affected by it. if it makes them stop, just for a moment, to think to themselves about you. if they feel as if their day is just a little bit incomplete without you.
maybe all it boils down to is appreciation. valuing all the little things that make a difference. if the person you've devoted yourself to so wholly appreciates the things you do for them. and if that person, in some way or form, tries to repay everything you've done for them with some form of appreciation, be it a subtle, loud, simple, colorful, cheesy, romantic, sexy way.
and when it comes down to it, it is really all that holds everything together. appreciation. the relationship glue. it is the one word that determines the distance between us.
*
in light of hurricane ike... i want to talk about rain.
you see... love is no different than rain.
like rain, it comes and goes as it pleases. sometimes we're prepared, walk around on a cloudy day with umbrellas in hand. but most of the time, it catches us so completely off guard and we end up soaked. love, it is everywhere. we can embrace it or run from it. stay dry... or play in it.
when it comes... it pours... and when it doesn't... we thirst for it... search for it in a drought... die without it... because what we are, is made from it.
love, it is no different than rain.
*
i will end this post with my top 10 80's cartoons.
number 10: the real ghostbusters
number 9: bionic six
number 8: gummi bears
number 7: g.i. joe
number 6: jem
number 5: transformers
number 4: he-man
number 3: thundercats
number 2: ninja turtles
number 1: ducktales
one word that makes ducktales the best... "blatheringblatherskite"
*
talking to myself on a gloomy saturday afternoon, jonny ngo
