I miss the parts of me that makes me whole... and I miss the parts of me that makes you smile with thoughts of me.
Thirty... such a dirty number. Something I cannot avoid I guess. As much as I try to fight it, deny it, ignore it... it hits me... like a ton of bricks on my chest. Growing up... feeling like I'm losing myself with every extra minute that passes through my fingers like sand. I miss who I was, the poet, the artist, the romantic, the hopeless. Now, I only see myself as the one who doesn't have time for himself. Make time for himself. No more. That's my birthday present to myself. To be more selfish. Forget those who do not appreciate me, and focus on me. So I close my eyes, and blow out the candles to the cake that never was.
I know this sounds like a depressing post, especially since I haven't been on xanga in months. It's not. It's about empowerment. About knowing what you want and taking the time to pursue it. What I want... is to be Jonny Angel once again... create visual pieces of art that represents who I am... for myself... and for you... because I miss knowing that when you need me, all you need to do is come here, read this... and smile. Because I forgot that sometimes it is all it takes. Sometimes, it's as simple as letting you know that I put these letters together, to form words... to send a message... just for you.
tell me to jump and i will never ask how high because with each jump i reach for the moon
tell me to follow and i will never ask how far because for each step i will walk beside you
tell me to love and i will never ask how much because for you i could only love unconditionally
but what if it isn't enough... wasn't enough for you. and maybe i am that selfish... maybe i am that needy... wanting you to love me the same... needing you to love me more.
*
i was shooting some photos at this concert last month... and i saw this old couple, walking around holding hands. i think that's the most adorable thing there is. being together for so long and still loving each other that much. being together for that long and still wanting to have each other's touch. and i realized... that i want the exact same thing. that i hope i could only be so lucky. to be that old and that happy and that in love.
i saw his old couple holding hands... walking around... and i realized. that it is something i must have for my future. that i cannot be with someone who cannot give me that. and i just want to be smitten by the person i love, for every waking moment. so that 40 years from now... i can inspire love in someone who sees me walking hand in hand with you.
i heard that when you fall deeply into love, it hits you like car... and so i walk blindly into traffic during rush hour only to be grazed by a bicycle.
*
is destiny meant for the young?
destiny is only a bridge to the one you are meant to be with, so i guess it's up to you to cross that bridge. so the older we get, do those bridges fade, die or break? and once those bridges are gone, do we build new ones? or is there no way to get back to the one you're meant for?
the older i get, the more i realize that the bridges of fate do fade, so we must cross them before we lose our way... before we lose our chance to cross them forever.
*
i am a one wing angel. one wing to catch you if you fall. one wing to keep you afloat. but i cannot fly alone. only hover in a place until you guide my way.
*
and i will leave this post with my top 10 a capella songs and renditions:
do you miss me when i'm gone... will you miss me if i leave.
those words run through my mind in excessive circles. i guess that's my question for today... is that if we make that much of an impact in another person's life, that their daily routines are affected by it. if it makes them stop, just for a moment, to think to themselves about you. if they feel as if their day is just a little bit incomplete without you.
maybe all it boils down to is appreciation. valuing all the little things that make a difference. if the person you've devoted yourself to so wholly appreciates the things you do for them. and if that person, in some way or form, tries to repay everything you've done for them with some form of appreciation, be it a subtle, loud, simple, colorful, cheesy, romantic, sexy way.
and when it comes down to it, it is really all that holds everything together. appreciation. the relationship glue. it is the one word that determines the distance between us.
*
in light of hurricane ike... i want to talk about rain.
you see... love is no different than rain.
like rain, it comes and goes as it pleases. sometimes we're prepared, walk around on a cloudy day with umbrellas in hand. but most of the time, it catches us so completely off guard and we end up soaked. love, it is everywhere. we can embrace it or run from it. stay dry... or play in it.
when it comes... it pours... and when it doesn't... we thirst for it... search for it in a drought... die without it... because what we are, is made from it.
love, it is no different than rain.
*
i will end this post with my top 10 80's cartoons.
number 10: the real ghostbusters
number 9: bionic six
number 8: gummi bears
number 7: g.i. joe
number 6: jem
number 5: transformers
number 4: he-man
number 3: thundercats
number 2: ninja turtles
number 1: ducktales
one word that makes ducktales the best... "blatheringblatherskite"
*
talking to myself on a gloomy saturday afternoon, jonny ngo
it has only been a few hours since i've been back home in dallas, after over a 7 hour drive from padre this morning... feeling the splotchy pain emcompassing the burnt parts of my skin. i am extra crispy today.
it feels so good... to get away... being able to spend 4 days at the beach... away from the rest of the world it seems. the problem with that is... as soon as i get back... i've realized what i've missed and how much the world continues to move without me.
i just learned that a bus, supposedly driving dangerously fast, by a driver, supposedly been convicted of driving intoxicated before, ran by company that has not properly maintained its vehicles, crashed on friday morning just north of dallas. the victims, all vietnamese families... mothers and sons. and i feel compelled to cry for the 17 dead and over 30 injured... all heading to the catholic retreat in carthage, missouri.
you see... reading about something like this touches me closely. i've been to those churches in houston. my parents went to the retreat this year... it could have easily been my parents in that bus. it could have been any of my hundreds of relatives. it might still be. missouri is a place we all go to. i use to go to it annually. and i get angry to see so many people go there to be disrespectful. they do not understand what people actually go through to go there... to feel spiritual... to be near family from all over the united states. we never ever want anything that tragic to hit so close to home. something as simple as a weekend trip can easily turn so deadly. all i can say is love your family. love your friends. cherish your times together.
you see... that accident brought back memories to me. that accident really does hit home. when i was 17, i took a trip to carthage, missouri also. and i never made it there. i remember it was early morning in oklahoma, and the rain was slightly covering the roads. my car hydroplaned and spun off the road. i hit a billboard and bounced into a ditch a quarter mile down the road. i remember seeing everything flow in slow motion, the windows shattering, things flying around and out of the car. i remember climbing out of the car, standing in that ditch... seeing if my cousin and his girlfriend was ok. they were fine with nothing about a few scratches from the broken glass. i didn't even notice the cut that ran down my face from my forehead to my chin until the ambulance came. my lips were busted, but that was the last thing on my mind. i remember the feel of the morning rain falling down on me as i saw something that could have been completely worst. when the cops came and after they investigated, they told me that if the car hit the billboard any differently, the car would have splitted and i could have easily been dead.
try saying that to yourself. that you could have easily been dead. and now tell me if that doesn't motivate you to appreciate life, to be optimistic, to cherish every moment. to want to leave an imprint on the world. to learn that doing something as simple as a few simple drawings can mean so much to so many people.
if you don't, then you don't realize that you have a gift that at least 17 people have lost this weekend.
